The Norman Conquest

One beautiful autumn day, Cousin Norman and his wife Alma were joy riding along the interstate with plans to have a picnic at the state park.  Joy riding means that Alma does all the driving so that Norman can enjoy the scenery or take a little snooze. A picnic at the state park means that Alma packs a large basket of sandwiches, chips and cookies, a large cooler of soft drinks, and an enormous blanket for Norman to rest on under a shade tree and watch the world go by. Probably with his eyes closed. Alma has to put everything away and clean up after they get back home. Where Alma gets the ‘joy’ out of joy riding is unclear.

They were about halfway to their destination when they began seeing the North Carolina state sign: Roadwork Ahead. Traffic began slowing to a crawl immediately afterward. The remnants of a hurricane had passed through the region and there were a lot of downed trees and limbs on the road. Norman and Alma had no idea how long or how far this endless line of traffic would last, nor how long the crews would be out there doing cleanup. Naturally, Norman had to go. He has been this way since his potty training year(s). Anytime Norman is prevented from following his schedule, he has to go.

There was a pattern to the traffic movement that day. It would creep along, then come to a complete stop. Then creep along, then stop. There were so many tractor-trailers on the highway, it was impossible to see around them to determine if cars were moving into a ‘faster moving’ lane, or if actual roadwork was going on in a particular lane.

By this time, Norman was having serious need-to-go issues. He examined the terrain on the passenger side as traffic crawled along, and saw dense woods which seemed to extend for miles. The ground was relatively flat as far as he could see and just perfect for his needs.

His instructions to Alma: “When traffic stops again, I’m exiting the car, jumping the guardrail, hiding behind a clump of trees, and getting the job done. You crawl along with the traffic until I can catch up with you. There won’t be any problems because the ground is level with the highway. Don’t worry.”

Alma didn’t like this plan at all. And “don’t worry” fell on deaf ears. She was always smarter than Norman and saw many reasons to worry over his great idea. But she had no say in the matter, for at that moment, traffic came to a complete stop and Norman jumped out of the car and cleared the guardrail according to plan. And that’s where Norman’s failure to have a Plan B was realized. He had failed to notice and account for the change in terrain. The nice flat wooded area had taken a plunge toward a deep, wide creek.

Alma couldn’t see any of this because Plan C that Norman also hadn’t considered had come into play. The debris was cleared away from the lanes and onto the shoulder, the long lines of cars were beyond the work zone, and traffic had started moving again at the regular speed. Alma had to hit the gas and keep up with the flow.

In the meantime, Norman was tumbling and scooting down a steep incline and eventually got a good soaking in the creek. His cotton shorts did not hold up well under the downhill slide and were fairly shredded when Norman hit rock bottom. Literally. After a short period of disorientation, he surveyed his surroundings, noted that the highway was about 50 feet above him, and realized that hiding behind trees was no longer needed. In just a few minutes he accomplished his goal and was ready to move on. And up. Having a spare pair of shorts would’ve been a really good Plan D.

In his haste to get back to Alma, Norman hurriedly tucked his wet shirt into what remained of his wet shorts and began his long, slow journey up what seemed to him a vertical slope. Let’s just say that it took Norman a lot longer to go UP than it did to go DOWN. He finally made it back to the guardrail and saw traffic moving at 70 mph or better. And he observed tons of branches on the emergency shoulder, and machines with large metal teeth grabbing them and depositing them into a big dumpster. What he didn’t see was his wife or his car. So he began walking along the shoulder as a huge number of vehicles whizzed past. No one bothered to stop and ask why this pedestrian had leaves and branches sticking out of shredded shorts.

Alma had her own problems to sort out. She had to drive at the regular speed, watching traffic with one eye and watching for a break in the tree limbs on the shoulder with the other. She finally found the nearest exit, which was two miles from Norman’s “drop-off”. She pulled off the ramp and parked on the shoulder to call Norman. His cell phone started ringing in the cup holder. In his haste to exit the vehicle, he had forgotten to put his phone in his pocket. Plan E – another fail. Alma had quite a long wait because Norman found it extremely difficult to climb over and around all those tree limbs on the shoulder of the highway with leaves and branches tucked into his shorts, without getting hit by a speeding vehicle or picked up by one of those machines with the large metal teeth. Alma is always prepared, so she just whipped out her book of Sudoku puzzles and enjoyed a quiet, restful afternoon in the car, having her own little picnic. She left a ham sandwich and a bag of chips for Norman in case he ever showed up.

When Norman finally reached the car, he was exhausted and plopped into the passenger seat, then began howling like a banshee, scaring Alma half to death. Norman had accidentally tucked a few briars in his shorts as he was tidying up in the creek bed. But he didn’t realize this until he sat on them. Unfortunately, he also tucked a generous handful of poison ivy in there as well, which Norman didn’t realize until a few days later when the itching and twitching started. The ride home was very quiet except for Norman’s occasional heavy sighs. And yes, the picnic was cancelled.

Now when we have family gatherings, the guys all wander outside to the newest truck in the driveway, inspect all that stuff under the hood, and talk about important topics such as the best fuel additives for monster trucks, which hardware store has a sale on antifreeze, and who is leading in the NASCAR point standings. The women sit around in the living room sipping sweet tea, and discuss important topics like which Thai restaurant has the best spring rolls, will Cousin Faye ever find the right man, and how long did Norman scratch after his adventure over the guardrail.